Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Pepperoni by Donald Barthelme

Financially, the paper is quite healthy. The paper’s timberlands, mining interests, pulp and paper operations, book, magazine, corrugated-box and greeting-card division, film, radio, television, and cable companies, and data- processing and satellite-communications group are all flourishing, with overall return on invested capital increasing at about eleven percent a year. Compensation of the three highest paid offices and directors last year was $399,500, $362,700, and $335,400 respectively, exclusive of profit-sharing and pension-plan accruals.

But top management is discouraged and saddened, and middle management is drinking too much. Morale in the newsroom is fair, because of recent raises, but the shining brows of the copy boys, traditional emblem of energy and hoe, have begun to display odd, unattractive lines.  At every level, even down into the depths of the pressroom, where the pressmen defiantly wear their  square dirty folded-paper caps, people want management to stop what it is doing before it is too late.

The new VDT machines have hurt the paper, no doubt about it. The people in the newsroom don’t like the machines. (A few say they like the machines but these are the same people who like the washrooms.) When the machines go down, as they do, not infrequently, the people in the newsroom laugh and cheer. The executive editor has installed one-way glass in his office door, and stands behind it looking over the newsroom, fretting and groaning. Recently the paper ran the same stock tables every day for a week. No one noticed, no one complained.

Middle management has implored top management to alter its course. Top management has responded with postdate guarantees, on a sliding scale. The Guild is off in a corner, whimpering. The pressmen are holding an unending series of birthday parties commemorating heroes of labor. Reporters file their stories as usual, but if they are certain kinds of stories they do not run. A small example: the paper did not run a Holiday Weekend Death Toll after Labor Day this year, the first time since 1926 no Holiday Weekend Death Toll story appeared after Labor Day (and the total, although not a record, a substantial one.)

Some elements of the staff are not depressed. The paper’s very creative real-estate editor ha been a fountain of ideas, and his sections, full of color pictures of desirable living arrangements, are choked with advertising and make the Sunday paper fat, fat, fat. More food writers have been hired, and more clothes writers, and more furniture writers, and more plant writers. The bridge, whist, skat, cribbage, domino and vingt-et-un columnists are very popular.

The Editor’s Caucus has once again applied to middle management for relief, and has once again been promised it  (but middle management has Glenfiddich on its breath, even at breakfast). Top management’s polls say that sixty-five percent of readers “want movies,” and feasibility studies are being conducted. Top management acknowledges, over long lunches at good restaurants, that the readers are wrong to “want movies” but insists that morality cannot be legislated. The newsroom has been insulated(with products from the companies Echotex division) so that the people in the newsroom can no longer hear the sounds in the street.

The paper’s editorials have been subcontracted to Texas Instruments, and the obituaries to Nabisco, so that the staff will have “more time to think.” The foreign desk is turning out language lessons (“yo temo que Isabel no venga,” “I am afraid Isabel will not come”). There was an especially lively front page on Tuesday. The No.1 story was pepperoni – a useful and exhaustive guide. It ran right next to the slimming-your-troublesome-thighs story, with pictures.

Top management has vowed to stop what it is doing – not now but soon, soon. A chamber orchestra has been formed among the people in the newsroom, and we play Haydn until the sun comes up.

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