I don’t remember when Ruski first came into the house. I
remember sitting in a chair by the fireplace with the front door open and he
saw me from fifty feet away and ran up, giving the special little squeaks I
never heard from another cat, and jumped into my lap, nuzzling and purring and
putting his little paws up to my face, telling me he wanted to be my cat.
But I didn’t hear him.
There were three kittens born at the Stone House. The mother
was a small black-and-white cat. Obviously the big white cat was the father.
One kitten was an albino. The other two were predominantly white, except for
their tails and paws, which were brown to black. The big gray male looked after
the kittens as if they were his own. He was gray like Ruski, except for a white
chest and stomach. I named him Horatio. He was a noble, manly cat, and had a
strong, sweet nature.
Ruski hated the little cats. He was the cute little cat. They were interlopers. The one time I
slapped Ruski was for attacking one of the kittens, and I have seen the mother
drive him out of the barn when the kittens were there. And Ruski was terrified
of Horatio. One evening on the back porch Horatio walked over to Ruski (he wasn’t Ruski then. I didn’t yet know he
was a Russian Blue, I called him Smokey.) He walked over in a casual but
determined manner and lit into Smoke, who ran under the table.
I have observed that in cat fights the aggressor is almost always
the winner. If a cat is getting the worst of a fight he doesn’t hesitate to
run, whereas a dog may fight to his stupid death. As my old jiujitsu instructor said, “If your
trick no work, better run.”
June 3, 1982. Perhaps I should do one of those sprightly ‘fixing
up my country house” books. . . . First
Year in the Garden . . . a chapter on the White Cat who got his ass
bit by a dog, and the gray cat . . . such
a handsome animal. Smokey we call him, after Colonel Smokey, the narc in
Maurice Helbrant’s Narcotic Agent, bound
with Junkie in the Ace edition . . .
well, Smokey is getting to be a real nuisance, fawning all over me and putting
his face up to mine, rubbing his head against my hand and following me around
when I am trying to shoot. It’s almost spooky. I am looking to find a good home
for Smokey.
A Nazi initiation into the upper reaches of the SS was to
gouge out the eye of a pet cat and cuddling it for a month. This exercise was
designed to eliminate all traces of pity-poison and mold a full Ubermensch. There is a sound magical
postulate involved: the practitioner achieves superhuman status be performing
some atrocious, revolting, subhuman act. In Morocco, magic men gain power by
eating their own excrement.
But dig out Ruski’s eyes? Stack bribes to the radioactive
sky. What does it profit a man? I could not occupy a body that could dig out
Ruski’s eyes. So who gained the whole
world? I didn’t. Any bargain involving exchange of qualitative values like animal
love for quantitative advantage is not only dishonorable, as wrong as a man can
get, it is also foolish. Because you
get nothing. You have sold your you.
“Well, how does that beautiful young red-haired body grab
you?” Yes, He will always find a sucker like Faust, to sell his soul for a
strap-on. You want adolescent sex, you have to pay for it in adolescent fear,
shame, confusion. In order to enjoy something you have to be there. You can’t
just sweep in from desert, dearie.
I remember the one time I ever slapped Ruski for attacking
one of the kittens. The way he looked at me, the shock and hurt, was identical
with the look I got from my amigo Kiki. I was sleepy and petulant. He came in
and started pushing at me, and I finally slapped him. In both cases I had to
make amends. Ruski disappeared but I knew where he was. I went out to the barn
and found him and brought him back. Kiki sat there with a tear in the corner of
his eye. I apologized and finally he came around.
Fifteen years ago I dreamt I had caught a white cat on a
hook and line. For some reason I was about to reject the creature and throw it
back, but it rubbed against me, mewling piteously.
Reading over these notes, which were simply a journal of my
year at the Stone House, I am absolutely appalled. So often, looking over my
past life, I exclaim: “My God, who is this?” Seen from here I appear as a most
unsightly cartoon of someone who is awful enough to begin with . . .
simpering, complacent, callous . . . “Got his ass bit by a dog.” “Leaving one
feeling vaguely guilty” . . . “like an Arab boy who knows he is being
naughty” . . .snippy old English queen voice . . . “I
am looking to find a good home for Smokey.”
I don’t think anyone could write a completely honest
autobiography. I am sure no one could bear to read it: My Past Was an Evil River.
There are crucial moments in any relationship, turning
points. I had been away for ten days at Naropa. During my absence Bill Rich
went out every day to feed the cats.
I have returned. Late afternoon on the back porch. I see
Ruski and he moves away. Then he rolls on his side, tentative, not quite sure.
I scoop him up and sit down on the edge of the porch. There is a clear moment
when he recognizes me and begins squeaking and purring and nuzzling. In that
moment I finally know he is my cat, and decide to take him when I leave the
Stone House.
Since I adopted Ruski, the cat dreams are vivid and
frequent. Often I dream that Ruski has jumped onto my bed. Of course this
sometimes happens, and Fletch is a constant visitor, jumping up on the bed and
cuddling against me, purring so loud I can’t sleep.
The Land of the Dead .
. . A reek of boiling sewage,
coal gas and burning plastics . . .oil patches . . . roller coasters and Ferris wheels
overgrown with rank weeds and vines. I can’t find Ruski. I am calling his name
. .
. “Ruski! Ruski! Ruski!”
A deep feeling of sadness and foreboding.
“I shouldn’t have brought him out here!”
I wake up with tears streaming down my face.
Notes from early 1985: my connection with Ruski is a basic
factor in my life. Whenever I travel, someone Ruski knows and trusts must come
and live in the house to look after him and call the vet if anything goes
wrong. I will cover any expense.
When Ruski was in the hospital with pneumonia I called every
few hours. I remember once there was a long pause and the doctor came on to
say, “I’m sorry, Mr. Burroughs” . . . the grief and desolation that closed around
me. But he was only apologizing for the long wait . . . “Ruski
is doing fine . . . temperature down . . .I
think he is going to make it.” And my elation the following morning. “Down to
almost normal. Another day and he can come home.”
August 9, 1984, Thursday. My relationship with my cats has
saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance. When a barn cat finds a human
patron who will elevate him to a house cat, he tends to overdo it in the only
way he knows; by purring and nuzzling and rubbing and rolling on his back to
call attention to himself. Now I find this extremely touching and ask how I
could ever have found it a nuisance. All relationships are predicated on
exchange, and every service has its price. When a cat is sure of his position,
as Ruski is now, he becomes less demonstrative, which is as it should be.
James was downtown at Seventh and Massachusetts when he
heard a cat mewing very loudly as if in pain. He went over to see what was
wrong and the little black cat leapt into his arms. He brought it back to the house
and when I started to open a tin of cat food the little beast jumped up onto
the sideboard and rushed at the can. He ate himself out of shape, shit the
litter box full, then shit on the rug. I have named him Fletch. He is all flash
and glitter and charm, gluttony transmuted by innocence and beauty. Fletch, the
little black foundling, is an exquisite, delicate animal with glistening black
fur, a sleek black head like an otter’s, slender and sinuous, with green eyes.
I kept Fletch in the house for five days lest he run away,
and when we let him out he scuttled forty feet up a tree. The scene has a touch
of Rousseau’s Carnival Evening . . . a
smoky moon, teenagers eating spun sugar, lights across the midway, a blast of
circus music and Fletch is forty feet up and won’t come down. Shall I call the
fire department? Then Ruski goes up the tree and brings Fletch down.
A year later Ruski’s son by Calico Jane is stuck up the same
tree. It is getting dark. I can see him up there with my flashlight, but he won’t
come down, so I all Wayne Propst, who is coming with a ladder. I go out and
shine my light up the tree and see Fletch’s red collar. And Fletch brings the
little cat down.
An English cat hater of the upper classes confided to me that he had trained a dog to break a
cat’s back in one shake. And I remember he caught sight of a cat at a party and
snarled out through the long yellow horse teeth that crowded out his mouth, “Nasty
stinking little beast!” I was impressed by his class at the time and knew
nothing of cats. Now I would get up from my chair and say, “Pawdon me, old
thing, if I toddle along, but there’s a nasty stinking big beast here.”
I will take this occasion to denounce and excoriate the vile
English practice of riding to the hounds. So the sodden huntsmen can watch a
beautiful, delicate fox torn to pieces by their stinking dogs. Heartened by
this loutish spectacle, they repair to the manor house to get drunker than thy
already are, no better than their filthy, fawning, shit-eating, carrion-rolling,
baby-killing beasts.
Warning to all young couples who are expecting a blessed event:
Get rid of that family dog. . . .
This cat book is an allegory, in which the writer’s past
life is presented to him in a cat charade. Not that the cats are puppets. Far
from it. They are living, breathing creatures, and when any other being is
contacted, it is sad: because you see the limitations, the pain and fear and
the final death. That is what contact means. That is what I see when I touch a
cat and find that tears are flowing down my face.
April 2, 1985. Ruski is on the desk by the north window. I
pet him. Her squeaks and nuzzles me and goes to sleep. I feel his sad, lost
voice in my throat, stirring, aching. When you feel grief like that, tears
streaming down your face, it is always a portent, a warning – danger ahead.
May 1, 1985. A feeling of deep sadness is always a warning
to be heeded. It may refer to events which will happen in weeks, months, even
years. In this case exactly one month.
Yesterday I walked up to the house on Nineteenth Street, depression
and pain dragging every step. Ruski has not been to the house this morning.
I received Ruski’s desperate call for help, the sad,
frightened voice I first heard a month ago.
MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY
I know where he is. I call the Humane Society.
“No. We have no cat of that description”
“Are you sure?”
“Wait, let me check again . . . (Cries of frightened animals.)
“Well, yes, we do have a cat of that description.”
“I’ll e right there.”
“Well, you have to go to the city clerk with your certificate
for rabies vaccination and pay a ten-dollar pick-up fee.”
All this is accomplished in half an hour with the aid of
David Ohle. We arrive at the animal shelter. The place is a death camp, haunted
by the plaintive, despairing cries of lost cats waiting to be put to sleep.
“That is one scared cat!” the girl says as she leads me to
the “Holding,” as it is called. Frozen with fear, Ruski cowers with another
terrified cat on a steel shelf. She unlocks the door. I reach in and gently
lift my cat into his box.
After seventy-two hours in Holding, the animals are put up
for adoption. The animals know. Animals always know death when they see it.
Better put your best paw forward. It’s your last chance, Kitty.
What chance would Ruski have, a full-grown, unneutered cat
paralyzed with fear? One scared cat.
“Oh, Daddy, I want that one!” Little boy points to Ruski.
“Well, we wouldn’t advise .
. . he’s not very responsive.”
“Guess we’ll pass on that one, Punky.”
Ruski gives a meow of despair as they walk on.
I question the underlying assumption that one does a cat a
favor by killing him . . . oh, sorry .
. . I mean “putting him to sleep.”
Turn to backward countries that don’t have Humane Societies for a simple
alternative. In Tangier stray cats fend for themselves. I remember an eccentric
old English lady in Tangier. Every morning she went to the fish market and
filled a bag with cheap fish and made the rounds of vacant lots and other locales
where stray cats congregated. I have seen as many as thirty cats rush up at her
approach.
Well, why not? The money now spent on caging and killing
cats could maintain actual shelters with food dispensers. Of course the cats
would have to be neutered and vaccinated for rabies.
That night, for the first time in three years, Ruski jumped
onto my bed purring and chittering, nuzzled against me and went to sleep
thanking me for saving him.
Next day I called Animal Control. “My cat was picked up and
taken to the shelter and I want to know the circumstances.”
“The circumstances are that it’s illegal to let your cat run
free.”
“No, I mean how did my cat happen to be picked up?”
It seems he was caught in an animal trap, about two hundred
yards from the back line of my property. Probably he had been shut in the box
trap all night. No wonder he was a scared cat.
At the time I didn’t know about animal traps. I didn’t know
that cats could be picked up. Close. Very close. Suppose I had been away.
Suppose . . . I don’t want to. It hurts. Now all my cats wear rabies tags.
The cry I heard through Ruski was not only his signal of distress. It was a sad, plaintive voice of lost spirits, the grief that comes from knowing you are the last of your kind. There can be no witness to this grief. No witnesses remain. It must have happened many times in the past. It is happening now. Endangered species. Not just those that actually exist, or existed at one time and died, but all the creatures that might have existed.
A hope, a chance. The chance lost. The hope dying. A cry
following the only one who could hear it when he is already too far away to
hear, an aching wrenching sadness. This is a grief without witness. “You are the
last. Last human crying.” The cry is very old. Very few can hear it. Very
painful. The chance was there for an enchanted moment. The chance was lost.
Wrong turn, Wrong time. Too soon. Too late. To invoke all-out magic is to risk
the terrible price of failure. To know that chance was lost because you failed.
This grief can kill.
Life, such as it is, goes on. Dillon’s is still open from
seven a.m. to twelve midnight, seven days a week.
I am the cat who
walks alone. To me all supermarkets are alike.
I am drinking Dillon’s fresh-squeezed orange juice and
eating farm-fresh eggs out of an egg cup I bought in Amsterdam. Wimpy rolls,
nuzzling my feet, purring I love you I love
you I love you. He loves me.
Meeeowww. “Hello
Bill.”
The distance from there to here is the measure of what I
have learned from cats.
All you cat lovers, remember all the millions of cats mewling
through the world’s rooms lay all their hopes and trust in you, as the little
mother cat at the Stone House laid her head in my hand, as Calico Jane put her
babies in my suitcase, as Fletch jumped into James’ arms and Ruski rushed
towards me chittering with joy.
We are the cats
inside. We are the cats who cannot walk alone, and for us there is only one
place.
The Cat Inside by
William S. Burroughs, 1986